A Repeated Rhetorical Question
by Tosa
Summary: Sai wants to love Sasuke, but he can't. He wants to feel guilty for his actions, but he can't. Meanwhile, he thinks Sasuke has no trouble loving him back... [REPOSTED, SaiSasu, ONEshot]


I decided to repost this. I just really, really love this one. Maybe this time around I'll get a review or two…

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_I want..._

Impassive eyes lock onto equally beautiful, coal ones. The eyes remind Sasuke of himself, but to Sai it is just the opposite. He doesn't want to believe Sasuke is like him because Sasuke, although he tries not to show it, has the ability to love. And Sasuke doesn't hate every wretched inch of himself.

Long, graceful fingers pet and tease the short, black locks of hair, and at the same time, his opposite hand comes up to adjust Sai so he is in a more comfortable position on his lap. The artist closes his eyes, taking in this warmth that is Sasuke Uchiha. His eyes close, cheek nestling against the other boy's bare chest. He can feel the heat radiating off it, which is normal for most guys. But despite his calm demeanor, Sasuke's temperature seems to rise a bit at Sai's action. He wonders if this emotion could be called "anxiety" or possibly even "nervous". They are, after all, different, if only in small ways.

Yes, Sai decides, they - meaning he and Sasuke, not the words - are definitely different. Because Sasuke may not know himself what he's feeling, but at least he _can_ feel it. But Sai cannot, though he tries. And it isn't that he doesn't want to, he just can't.

So he settles for making Sasuke "feel".

He places a kiss on the other boy's neck, in a place where it vibrates as Sasuke hums in approval. For some reason, the sound comes as a bit of a shock, especially amplified this way.

And he pulls away from Sai only to grab him roughly at the back of the head and force him into a powerful, hungry kiss. The boy beneath him gasps, nibbles at his lips but alas, feels nothing but what he believes to be exhiliration... Pure instinct. There's a difference between a blush caused by emotion and passion and one caused by pure, unadulterated adrenaline. Apparently.

Sai kisses Sasuke's neck, sucking the perfect skin and marking it with his presence. So now it _isn't_ perfect.

He's trying to start something. He wants Sasuke to force him down, fuck him, make it hurt. He wants to feel Sasuke slipping between his legs, filling him - he wants something _that_ flawless inside him. Sai thinks it's greedy to want so, but he wants to _taint_ that perfection.

And, like he predicted, Sasuke abides.

Somehow, they become undressed, and somehow, his legs are being pushed back by his own hands and _somehow_ he's crying out -

Sai's thoughts freeze over in a thick haze as a harsh reality hits him square in the face.

_I love you._ He's telling - no, _proclaiming_ to - Sasuke that he loves him.

But he _can't_.

His mind is reeling. He doesn't understand his actions, but they're _his_ actions, so he _should_.

_It hurts._

It's a fiery pain, seemingly ripping his skull to shreds. And has nothing to do with Sasuke - or at least, not _physically_. But psychologically, yes.

_It __**hurts**_

_What_ hurts? The empty cavity in Sai's chest. That's what.

"_It hurts!_"

He said it out loud this time. A small part of his mind, partially melted from the realization, panics; _Sasuke's_ stopping.

No, no, no. He doesn't _want_ Sasuke to stop.

No. _No,_ he's _holding_ him. He's kissing him. _He's saying he loves Sai, too._

"Speak up."

He looks up into those similar yet not eyes of his lover and sees himself reflected back. Look at him. He doesn't deserve Sasuke.

Sasuke cocks a delicate eyebrow.

"Come again?"

Oh, so Sai's speaking. Funny, he didn't really...

Then, in a soft voice; "I want.."

"What do you want?"

That's a good question. Does he have the answer? Because Sai doesn't.

He bites his lip. Sasuke's waiting. He's so patient, just as always...

Wait. Is he crying?

No, no. He... he _can't_.

But he is.

And Sasuke's holding him again.

"What's wrong?"

_Everything..._

Sai knows what he wants. He wants love; _to_ love. He wants to return the love Sasuke gives him. He wants to be able to comfort Sasuke the way he comforts him.

He wants to be able to smile at him and mean it.

He wants to mean it. With every ounce of his soul.

But he can't.

Everything he does may mimic or resemble something real, but it's purely an impulse... purely an _act._

He doesn't understand. He can't.

"I... want..."

"What do you need?"

He bites his lip again, still unsure of the answer. And more than a little confused.

"I-It's nothing. Really."

_You __**coward**_

"I'll be here for you if you change your mind... If you want to talk. I love you."

_I __**want**__ to love you, too._

"Thank you so much... really."

But he can't. Can he?

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End file.
